Park City Marathon 2010

Prerace photo (obviously). It was just a little chilly at 6:00ish in the morning in Park City.

Coming through the finish--finally!

Got my finishers medal--yes, it's worth it.

Hugging my little cutie! What a great supporter he is.

Trying to pose for a picture and drink chocolate milk at the same time.

So my friend Michelle suggested that I just blog about today's experience while it's fresh--so here I am taking you up on it, Michelle. The thing that really sets this marathon apart from the others is the week I've had leading up to it--not to mention that I've been pretty nervouse because I knew the course would be hard. I'll kind of explain a bit about what happened as I journal the race experience.

To start this morning off, my mom and Bob picked up Hayden and I around 4:30. I have an awesome family, and I really appreciated their support and willingness to pick me up, hang with Hayden, and cheer me on. We got up to the start line with plenty of time to spare, and I tried eating some breakfast beforehand. I did do a good job eating the day before, but the days prior to that I didn't have much of an appetite so nutrionally I wasn't where I should have been. After hitting the bathrooms a couple of times (I swear that being 30 somehow means I have to pee all the time), my cute mom walked me over to the start line, took some pics, and stayed to watch me start the race. Everything started on time (yay!), and I felt pretty decent in the beginning too. The start and finish of this race was in the same spot--something different from the canyon marathons I had done in the past. It took me a few miles to warm up, but then I got in a pattern for a few miles (about miles 4-10ish) where I was lost in my thoughts and it helped distract me from the run. I listened to a few applicable songs such as Taylor Swift's "White Horse" and Kelly Clarkson's "Break Away" (not sure if the that's the title of the Swift song). Somehow running brings a lot of clarity, and both songs although slow, I usually skip the slow ones when racing, just seemed to describe and reinforce what I've currently been feeling. I recently did something I have never ever done in my life--I completely put my wants and my heart out there only to have it rejected. I say that this is a first because I spoke my true desires hoping that the other person maybe wanted the same thing. I realize this was a gamble, but I felt like I needed to make a change and speak my mind. Sadly, I was left heartbroken and completely crushed. I would never say anything bad about the other person because there isn't anything bad to say--that's the problem. I love him, care about him, and just really wanted to move forward in our relationship. Now before some of you jump to conclusions, I wasn't proposing marriage or even saying let's get engaged. All I really wanted was more of a commitment from him--I really wanted him to want to let down his barriers and want to be happy just being with me. I wanted to have conversations about the future, begin to created a picture of what "could be," but of course, I know that I can't ask someone to want the same things I want. I have been very hopeful in seeing the potential of our relationship if we both just broke down the walls that have unfortunately been constructed from past relationships. However, seeing as I seem to have the worst luck or outcomes in relationships, that's not what he wanted. I am not saying in anyway that anything is right or wrong, but it just hurts to have someone walk away after a year and a half of dating. I feel incredibly hurt, frustrated, and my self-worth has come into question (I mean how much could I mean to him if could just walk away). Now that I've said all that, I'm a fair and reasonable person (I like to sometimes think I am), and I realize that every story has two sides. However, this has been my experience, my perspective, and what I ultimately come away with. Don't get me wrong, I've had some amazing times with him, and incredible memories--that's why this is so hard! I don't want to have to let go of him because of that and because I still think he's an amazing person. However, I guess the saying about if you love something set it free applies here. Everyone deserves to be happy and to find whatever that is in life that brings them the greatest joy. So of course, I've contemplated the same thing for me. I have come to the obvious conclusion that the relationships I have with other people is what brings me joy. I can run all the races in the world, travel and visit as many places as possible, see all the movies I want, but at the end of the day, the most important thing is who did I share these experiences with and my life with. I am a big fan of "family" and I wouldn't trade mine for anything. I also don't ever, ever, ever feel like I've I had to sacrifice hobbies and other things to be a mom. The thing is, even if I did have to compromise and supposedly give up any of my freedoms, being a mom has filled and enriched my life tenfold. I hope to one day expand our little family, but for now, I am happy and incredibly thankful for what I've got. Also, I do have an awesome immediate and extended family as well.

So I'm going to leave my tangent alone and get back to the race. I have to say, during all this contemplating I wasn't so lost in my thoughts to realize that I was running next to water and on a dirt trail with lots of little critter holes. I just kept hoping that nothing was going to come crawling out of them and attack me (yes, I can get a little paranoid). Now I knew going into this that the first half was going to be uphill (actual hills and gradual upgrades). I really thought by mile 14 I would get a little break and experience some downhill running. Nope, it didn't happen till mile 16. Things were going great and then I hit mile 18 which was accompanied by a steep hill that was impossible for me to run up. Just walking up it I felt like my knees were hitting my chest. Oh well, I thought, I'm sure there aren't going to be any more hills. Oh silly me for thinking such things because I was wrong, again! I'll do anyone reading this a courtesy and not put into writing the words that went through my mind everytime I approached a hill after that. Now by mile 20 I just wanted to cry. Not only had I endured lots of hills (mostly up), and the wind blowing against me for the majority of the time, but I really started to feel my cramps. Did I forget to mention that my lovely time of the month decided to start the day before...how could I forget that complication. Yes, on top of feeling weak and tired, I was cramping, too. The final 6 miles did include a bit of walking, but I really had to give myself a break. I went into this just hoping to finish and I did--in just a little over 4 hours. Coming through the finish felt wonderful, and seeing my fam there to support me made me feel amazing. After I got my medal, I kissed my little guy, then met my fam outside the the runners' area. The line for a free massage was way too long, so we went back to the Tahoe, and Bob helped rub and stretch out my legs--what a great stepdad, right. I am so glad that I did this marathon, and it's just amazing what we can do when we keep pushing ourselves. I am trying to be strong everyday of my life, but I'm not going to tell you that I'm not ever going to cry either. I have been blessed with the best support system, and I hope that I can come away from challenges/obstacles stronger than before. I also hope to inspire my little guy, Hayden, to do the same thing in his life, too. Yes, I'm still a heartbroken mess and I still cry everyday (even right now because I can be a bit of girl and get all emotional). However, I just hope to live life to the fullest, remember the important things (really should replace "things" with "people"), and set a good example for my son. I'll stop blogging so that I can now go be a good mom to my favorite kiddo.